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“Love is good in feeling, even if you are always being hurt. It is better to be hurt by love than not loving at all”.

My grandma is a silly ole gal and she sent me these pictures, which I find to be hilarious/ cute/ disturbing, so I thought I'd share them with you.

Wow. I slept until 12:30. Yup, 12:30pm. I don't think I have ever slept that late. Ever. Went out with Sarah and Alyssa for a few drinks last night, but I only had 3 at Lyle's and one back at Sarah's. It was fun. I like Alyssa, but me being the ultra-over-sensitive, need-to-read body language and facial expression person that I am, have such a hard time figuring out if I am annoying the hell out of her and she wishes I wasn't there or if she could care less and thinks I'm funny in some kind of pathetic way. Oh-well, just me always desiring receipt of acceptance. All in all, it was nice just chatting with them. Then going back to Sarah's and chatting with her and her boyfriend until I was sure I could drive. I think I kept Sarah up way past her bedtime, sorry about that. Okay, so I got home at about 1ish, but that still does not give me any right to sleep until 12:30. And I still have a headache and want to go back to bed. Uhg.

I had the weirdest dreams though. In one I was driving Kayla's car (because as a 14yr old, she has a car?). Kayla was driving and me and her mom were in the car and all of a sudden Kayla had to get out and get something (while the car was moving) So now I'm sitting in the driver's seat and her mom is like huh, this should be interesting as we're coming up on a red light. So I realize I should hit the brakes but can't find them. Then we turn into this driveway/alley/something to park and I can't seem to depress the brake all the way so we crash into the wall. Then I was in this clothing store and trying to dress this really large girl and nothing fit her and we were getting in trouble by some strange guy that was yelling at us to hurry up. Then Skylar, Cotton, and I had to jump in this pastel colored twirly tunnel thing and hold on to each other really tight otherwise we'd get separated. Then Cotton jumped into a taxi and I had to flag the driver down to stop to get him. I don't know what the heck was in my Smirnoff last night. Weird.

So now it's like 1pm and I have to go running. I have to up my long run to 15 miles today and I need to get new running shoes. I want to go back to bed now - what the heck is wrong with me?

Claire is sure that this is a sure sign of emotional distress. Her theory is that men who own cats are only and can only be emotionally attached to their cats. I tried to argue.

Me: I don't agree with your men and cats theory
Claire: "Yeah, well it's true"
Me: My dad and my brother both have cats
Claire: "Case in point."

*Hey only, I'm allowed to call my family crazy*

So a while back a child hood friend asked me to join friendster, which is similar to myspace, but not nearly as popular. Now that friend has joined the rest of the occult and joined myspace, so I hardly ever check friendster anymore or even the email connected with it. Well... while I was on vacation at my grandparents I got an odd message from some random guy on friendster. Usually I just delete that crap, but this guy seemed mildly interesting. I had totally forgotten about it and then saw the message again a couple weeks ago and decided what the heck, I'd email him back. His profile is a little too good to be true as Claire put it, so either he's psychotic or lying or both. He's got a PhD from the U of M with a degree in law, but decided to be a fitness trainer instead using a machine he designed and seems to be very proud of. He runs his own gym and teaches/trains strength training. Being a fitness trainer, he is extremely buff. We talked on the phone for the first time last night for almost 2 hours. He's really dorky, silly, funny. We talked about the hazards of online dating and got on the topic of looks. I can be superficial, but wow, he seems even worse. He said he wouldn't date anyone who was overweight no matter how nice they are. Now I might think that a little too, but I wouldn't say that to someone I hardly knew. In the "Devil Wears Prada", the girl is a size 6 and is considered fat, who knows what he considers overweight. Then he also said by the look of my pictures, I was way out of his league. I don't even have my sultry tummy picture on there. I have a pic of me getting kisses from my dogs sitting on the couch. I hate online dating - hate - hate - hate it. It wiggs me out. I either pick the guy to pieces before I even meet him so that when I do, I've already decided to dislike him, or I get all flustered and nervous so I act like a complete idiot. Also he sounded gay; he had that gay giggle - you all know what I mean - where it's kind of in the throat with the mouth closed. Anybody want to go on this date for me? Huh, please? You could just be another one of those people that looks nothing like their pictures.

Oh boo, I should shower, huh?

***Update***
SQUEEEEE! I think that was one of the best dates ever! We talked about anything and everything. He's a vegetarian! Also, he's not gay, he's just in touch with his feminine side :p My fortune cookie read "Ideas that you thought were absurd, later prove to be a success". He said it sounded like a bad fortune and because I'm a dork, I said no, it doesn't have to be. He didn't really get it and a while later I said, Ya know, I think online dating is absurd and it never really works. *lightbulb* Did I already mention Squeee? He's smart, fit, and funny... there must be something wrong. I am jinxing this as I write. Hehe, Ok, I'm done now.

I can't seem to warm up. I ran 12 miles while Skylar was in class and I think there were icicles hanging from my nose. When I got back to the dojang I saw Laura and she asked if it was snowing. My shoulders were covered in snow and she went to wipe it and I told her it was sweat that was freezing. "Oh", she said as she drew her hand away, kind of disgusted. I was actually fine until I had to wait for Skylar and my body temp came down and I was soaked in sweat. I began to freeze and Skylar took for--ever to get ready to go. He was playing with Isabella and I thought he was changing. I love Isabella - she is just so cute. She was sitting at Inst. Sirny's feet and she leaned back and between his legs like she was looking up his skirt (actually kumdo pants). I said Isabella, stop looking up Inst. Sirny's skirt, that's not polite." he turned a little red and said, "I'm glad these are actually PANTS!" and went off into the back room to change. It was too funny.
So now I'm home under my dogs and some blankets with fleecy pants and a sweater and I am still shivering. Three cheers for my immune system though. I am a believer of the idea that increasing activity during illness is good for the body and promotes healing. It gives a little kick-start to the immune system. I will often ignore any sickness until it goes away, because it seems whenever I try to rest my way better, I feel even worse. Obviously this doesn't work for everyone or every illness. When I was about 15 I had a fever and for some reason didn't want it to keep me home from school as I had just started dating this guy, John. I went to John's house after school and we were playing basketball and he said I looked like I was moving in molasses (more so than usual). When we got back to his house, his mom made me take my temp and it was up to 105, so he took me home. That night it went to the top of the thermometer and I was beginning to hallucinate. My mom took me to the ER and they said it was 110 and I should be dead, but I was loopy and still thought I was fine. Anyway they kept me for a few days until my temp returned to normal and they never could figure out what was wrong. One theory was cysts on my ovaries, that ruptured and got infected, but they couldn't tell for sure. So anyway, obviously increased activity doesn't always work... just most of the time for me anyway.

My mom's dog Zuki is part wolf and a bit neurotic. She is also my mother's pride and joy. I don't usually remember my dreams, especially with this much detail.

I was visiting my mom's house and was going to visit my aunt who lives about an hour and a half away. For some reason I decided to take Zuki with me and I knew my mom would not let me, so I snuck out and just took her planning to bring her back when I returned. Zuki started freaking out and fighting with my dog Sally who is also a bit neurotic. So both dogs are going nutty, but I didn't want to tell my mom I was having problems with Zuki because she would just tell me she told me so. Then she started having GI issues and it was really gross. So then that next day my mom shows up at my aunt's house and was extremely pissed and I kept telling her that I was going to bring Zuki back, but she just wouldn't listen. Then my other aunt Sue, who lives another hour and a half away showed up and she was being all cheerful and trying to settle things down. So she gave us free passes to an amusement park and me, Skylar, and my mother went. Well she only gave us 2 free passes and my mother wouldn't let me have them, she said they were for her and I couldn't understand why she needed both of them so we started fighting again. Then I realized she had brought Zuki with her and I was so mad that she was going to leave her in the car all day in the heat. We argued some more and the next thing I remember we were all going down this giant yellow curving slide.

Not a very exciting dream, but it seemed so real. I woke up and had to make sure I was in my own room, which took me a few minutes to actually assure myself of.

I was a tad nervous yesterday when I didn't hear back from the guy at the U after I sent him my proposed start date and requested days off for the Mardi Gras Marathon. I was like, Oh my god, he thinks I am going to be asking for vacation all the time and who the hell asks for vacation before they are even hired? Well, turns out, he was just waiting to get the letter drawn up from HR and emailed it to me this morning. I start Feb. 12th. Hopefully I can find someone to continue feeding my birds when I leave. I gave my current job a month and myself a week to... I dunno, relax a bit. It's the week of Skylar's birthday too, so it will be nice spending some time with him and preparing for his party on that Sunday the 11th.

He's having his birthday at Vertical Endeavors, which I am kind of excited about. I love it there. I'm a little worried that parents and/or kids might not want to come since they have never climbed before. At least I don't know many kids around age 8 that climb, but hopefully they will still come even if they can't climb. Anyone who wants to come is welcome to. The party is from 2-4, but we will most likely stay for longer because climbing is so fun. Skylar's inviting about 10 kids and I'm inviting a few adults so it should be interesting. Since it's in St. Paul, I don't know if I should start the party at my house and everyone go together from there or just have everyone meet at the place. Depends on how many people with cars there are that are willing to carpool the kiddies. Me, Claire, and possibly Nick = 8 seats for kids, and Laura might be willing too. If I can get that secured, I'll start the party from 12-1ish and then head over there. If anyone knows how to belay(sp?) that would be really helpful. My friend Nick is hopefully coming and he can belay. Belay is holding the rope for the person climbing. There are a few auto-belay, but it's fun to go on the other walls as well. Just to make my life difficult, Skylar wants to invite Isabella. It's cute and nice that he always wants to invite her to play with us, but it's too bad her father and I are too spastic to even make that work.

I am still having trouble actually working. Everything is in a stable state right now, I don't want to start anything new and don't really have anything anyway.

HAHAHA! SBN put new pictures up on his site: http://www.hwarangdominneapolis.com/photogallery/index.html

So I swiped the good ones. Where's my winning tourny picture? I'm hurt :(

WhooHoo! Go Skylar!

We are so adorable

Ewwwe, me in spandex - ahhhh!

So yesterday afternoon, the guy from the U called and offered me the position. He was able to offer a little more than I expected, still not as much as I make now, but close enough that it shouldn't hurt terribly. He said it will increase from there and the benefits make it worth it and once I get my MS, I can easily move up within the department with a higher pay. For now I just need to budget and possibly fore-go starbucks every now and then - ok quit buying starbucks every flippin day to start. He also said I could start whenever I wanted, 1 week, 2 weeks, 4 weeks, whatever. I just hope I made the right choice. I am so impulsive and even when I try to think of everything I always make the wrong choice and it comes around and bites me in the ass. I know Claire just doesn't want me to leave her, but she is not helping. She keeps going on and on about how easy I have it here and how this new job might be even worse. She's right, but then I'll at least be within the University and I can find a different job fairly easily now.

I have been trying to catch my boss all day as he ran in and out of meetings. All the while feeling like I am going to vomit. I finally caught up with him and gave him my news. I said I could be a little flexible with my notice, so he asked for a month. I do really feel bad about leaving them with so much hanging, so I agreed. I know I don't owe them anything, but most likely just my co-workers would catch the heat and be fiddling around with things. Now I have my manual and I can show some of the more computer literate people a few things to get them by until they can hire someone else. I also offered to help train in this new person and be available for any questions. I just feel so much better. My boss almost looked like he knew it was coming, it was only a matter of time. I also think he understands why I need to move on, which is good.

I'm nervous and excited and all weird feeling. Did I make the right choice? Am I going to have to live in a box? What if the people at the new job are mean? What if I don't know how to do my new job or I'm really bad at it?

I hate everyone telling me they are going to miss me.

My hand hurts: I didn't cut my nails before class last night and we were doing punching and my nails are just long enough to dig into my hand and cut it.

I am obsessively checking my email in hopes of the guy from the U telling me all is good to go. I know he talked to all my references, they told me, so why isn't he calling me or emailing me. Jeepers, I sound like a crazy girlfriend or something. I just can't do my stupid job when I know I am getting another one. I know I am a horrible person and really, I feel guilty about it. I do. I had a meeting with my boss this morning like we do every monday where I update him on all the crap that I did and he tells me a whole bunch of other crap I should do and all I kept thinking was, I don't give a damn you righteous bastard!. I almost scribbled it my notebook. Add that to your "action items". He even told me to "familiarize myself with the definitions and formulas for vector math and velocity of angles". Looks like calculus to me. I don't do calculus. I despise calculus. When did it become part of my job to understand biomechanics as well. Add that to the future data manager's job description.

I haven't put in my notice yet since I want it all to be final. I can't start waiving an email around saying, but you said... I have 85 hours of vacation accrued, maybe I can put in my 2 weeks notice and by the way, I'll be taking the next 2 weeks off. Do I at least get paid for those hours, I should look into that. Man, I am sooo counting my chickens before they're hatched.

Ahhhh, I'm just going to ramble on lj all day.

Where oh where have my little sheep gone...

I went snowboarding for the first time yesterday and it was sooooo fun! I went skiing once when I was about 7, but nothing more than sledding since then. We took an hour lesson to get the basics and then tried to practice a bit. I fell, and fell, and fell some more. I can't figure out how to stop without falling on my butt or skidding on my stomach. I was actually getting the hang of it a bit and I'm coasting down the hill and I notice this guy watching me, well I ended up heading straight for him and he moved out of the way before I crashed into him, but then there was this kid that was just watching me like a deer in the headlights. So with no where to turn, I leaned back and fell really hard on my ass and then skidded to stop at his feet where he continued to stare at me. The guy thought it was the funniest thing he ever saw and I wouldn't be surprised if he wet himself he was laughing so hard at me. I want to go back though and practice some more. Claire hated it and after the lesson went inside to pout until we left (I drove). Skylar and I went for a couple more hours until we were soaked though all our gear.

So if anyone ever wants to go, let me know, I want to go back.

I want a big pretty tattoo that runs from my hip bone and kinda curves up to the back of my shoulder. Is that too much to ask? Oh I have to specify what of... ok, I want a dragon and some cherry blossoms kinda intertwined, a little on the abstract side where it blends well and doesn't look like someone threw some stickers on me. What do you mean more specific? I wish I could draw. I see what I want in my head, I just can't express it and it's driving me bananas. First the tattoo guy drew this harsh scary dragon made out of dead tree branches. It looked waaay to skeletal for my taste. So I said, make it softer. Softer, now there's a descriptive term. 3 frickin months later he calls and says he has a better design. I finally make my way over there thinking if it took him 3 months to draw it better be good. Alas, it was fugly. He drew a cherry blossom tree with very non-descript puff balls that were supposed to be blossoms and a dragon that was climbing up the tree. But there was something wrong with the dragon's hind legs, they just looked contorted, like one was growing out of his back and the other was missing entirely (supposedly underneath). It just wasn't a plausible pose. Then it had horns like a devil and a long pointyish nose. U-G-L-Y. He can keep my $50, I am going elsewhere. I just don't think he is a very good artist and how am I going to let a crummy artist tattoo something on me that will be there possibly forever.

My father just asked me if I was going out tonight, in which I replied no. He said it was ok if I did. That is just weird; my dad is offering to watch Skylar for me. Unfortunately I have no where to go because I am a loser. Claire dissed me for her new guy and the only other friend I actually go out with has her son tonight. Maybe I'll go sit in a coffee shop and pretend I'm cool.

So my martial arts teacher apparently thinks it is good to always pair me with the 14 year old boys. Tonight I got my regular partner who I think is finally getting used to me, but then he rotated me with this new kid who was also about 14, but much pudgier. We were going inside/over response to grabbing the arm from side mount and somehow he totally missed my arm and punched me in the nose which sent me into a sneezing fit. It was the kid's first day. I just don't think it was helpful for him to be paired with me. Does the teacher not remember what it's like to be barely getting over the fact that girls might not have cooties and the slightest brush of the arm sends their hormones racing. First they are afraid to touch me, then they shake and forget what the heck they are supposed to be doing. Then they want it to be over as quickly as possible. I just feel bad for them, there isn't a whole lot I can do to make them more comfortable. Then I end up teaching them, because it seems like their head goes blank and I know they are not idiots. I just don't what the instructor's strategy is with it.

Then during open gym I grappled this guy who thinks he such a hot shot and is a tad chauvinist like tells me I can hit with open palm if I am hurting my knuckles. We grappled for the full hour though and it was ok. He said I was an easy opponent, but it was good since he didn't feel like struggling too hard tonight anyway, plus he got to work his escape from gaurd. He's much stronger than me, but then who isn't? He asked if I wanted to roll again, and I said, unless you are sick of kicking my ass. He responded, "no way, I could do this all day with you". Why do guys have to be so silly. Then he rushed me and caught me in the mouth and gave me a nice fat lip. How sweet.

Aside from all that, the boys are getting more comfortable with me and that is good. Hopefully, soon, I'll just be one of the guys.

In other news, the guy from the job at the U emailed to tell me he is having trouble getting a hold of one of my references in GA, but is confident he'll be able to reach her on Monday. Then we can go through the final paperwork with HR and go over salary and benefits. Yea!!! Getting actual work done was even more difficult today than usual because I kept thinking soon I won't have to worry about any of that crap anymore.

Tomorrow's my longer run of 15K while Skylar's in class, then off to ice skating. Just a thought, and I'm not sure if I even have time once school starts, but I might come back to TSD. Just swallow my pride. It kills me that I paid for it so I might as well go. I am not sure, just thinking about it.

And that's the end of my rambly random post.

Interview went freakin fantasterrific!!! I don't know if this is a new habit or a nervous or excited one, but I kept talking with my hands and then they would all follow my hands so I would stop and they would smile and then I'd do it again and they would do it again - it was weird. Do I usually talk with my hands? Hopefully just a freakish twitch of the day. Maybe they liked my rings... They asked me questions and I actually had answers. I didn't spit and stutter inaudible ramblings like I usually do when I'm nervous - go me!

Anyway... They are calling my references right now (already called one I know of) and he sent me an email already that said pending my reference check he wants to offer me the position. Whoop! Whoop! Goodbye NWHSU... Hello UMN! Real science? What's that? Actual computer people to work with! No way! Yea, I know, pay cut = bad, but tuition = 0 = awesome!

Must. Remain. Tactful. Must not tell my current boss to kiss my tail feathers!

***Happy dance*** C'mon everyone ***Happy Dance!!!!!***

I just got back from about a 10K run, maybe a little more since I had to run the road rather than the path around the lakes. Now I can't stop coughing and can barely catch my breath. My chest and head feel like they are on fire. i haven't even eaten and I feel like I am going to throw up. What do you mean running might not have been a good idea?

My ipod was dead so I had to charge it before I could run (I can't run without music) so I didn't leave the house until almost 8pm. I try to run well lit roads and around the lake is usually ok, but tonight I let my head get away from me. I started thinking what a great target I would be with my head phones on and my pony tail swinging. Defense against a hair grab is one thing, but defense against a full on hair handle is another. So there I am running along listening to Prodigy and picturing someone coming up behind me and grabbing onto my ponytail just long enough for them to drive a knife into my chest. Or dragging me down to the lake and drowning me. This did wonders for my breathing, let me tell ya. I ran past a man sitting in his van with the lights and engine off and nearly had a heart attack. I'm not afraid of the dark, really I'm not... I swear. I just have a vivid imagination, which is the same reason I can't watch scary movies by myself. I can't eat spicy food without milk either, so what?

Ok, my chest is still killing me, but my cough has subsided enough to breathe again. I think it's time for bed.

Ok, maybe I'm not that lost, but I've been at work for 2.5 hours now and I can't seem to figure out what I should be doing or if I was working on something before I left for vacation.

That job in the transplant information services center at the U of M called and I have an interview set up for Thursday. Yay!!! Every time she said something, I followed up with That's fantastic! or Super!. I hope I didn't sound too excited or like a complete ditz. I think I'll take that whole day off. Ok, so this might have a little something to do with my lack of motivation today. I just really want a job at the U and this one sounds perfect. Also, I just looked at my student loan debt and... OUCH! Having tuition paid would be oh so nice. Sounds like I should have gone into engineering instead. Classes start the 16th, so I need to have something figured out by then. I don't think I'll be able to organize 40 hours around my classes including drive time. At least I don't have any night classes this semester since Skylar and Evan haven't been getting along very well and I think they need a break.

Apparently I cannot keep wine in my house; either my brother drinks it and puts the bottle back, or my dad, who is not supposed to drink at all, drinks it. Not only did he drink it, but he said it made him feel much better, therefore it can't possibly be harming him. His drinking is what caused him to be more susceptible to Hep C in the first place and if he starts drinking again, he will destroy his liver. Does he care? No. Does reasoning work with him? No way. Guess it was my fault for thinking I could keep a bottle of wine just laying around tempting him.

I also just realized that the Mardi Gras Marathon is less than 2 months away and I have been totally slacking. Bronchitis or not, I have got to run tonight.

( Reflections of 2006 )Wow! That took more thought and energy than anticipated. I didn't really realize how crummy this year was. Ah whatever.

My New Year's Resolution: Stay in better contact with my family. Try not to worry what other people are thinking.

I need a vacation from my vacation.
Visiting my grandparents and seeing my cousins was nice. I don't get to see them very often, especially my cousins. My dad's side of the family always seems so perfect. All my cousins have the typical american scenario of life: they leave their parent's house to move into a dorm and go to college, they meet mr. or ms. wonderful, get married, begin career and start a family. My life went a little different so they figure it must be wrong. My cousin Jen just got married 6 months ago and is now 5 months pregnant. Skylar had the best time playing with her perfect husband Rick, which of course made everyone go, "see he needs a dad" and as my patience ran thin, my response was yeah well, guys like Rick love kids and ya know what? They want kids of their own. Most guys don't want other guy's kids. Which is true. Part of it is some kind of territorial thing but mostly, there are guys who don't care to have kids and they are usually stand offish around children and then there are the guys who are fabulous with kids who want to have a family of their own. Both types are not interested in caring for someone else's kid. I know they think they are being helpful or something, but I just wish they would drop it.

Anyway, this is my last stop, here at my aunt and uncle's in NJ. All I do is eat when I visit my family - not the typical comfort of home cooking, but stuff like pizza, Carvel, Indian, and Italian. I don't know why it is so much better than Mpls, it just is. I just ate 6 slices of pizza for dinner and now I want to go to Tartufo's for the most awesome gelato ever. Oooh chocolate hazelnut sundae... mmm...
Then tomorrow I'll have to get my Indian fix. Unfortunately it will be with my mother's sister Sue who I don't particularly like, but haven't seen in about 10 years. maybe we've changed? matured or something? I despised her as a child and I have a tendency to hold grudges. I think we can be civil for a a couple hours though.

Also, I am still sick. I just want to be home in my own bed.

It does not feel like Christmas - I don't know why. There is no snow and I have a miserable cold. Actually, I think I am allergic to my family; just an auto-immune response screaming WTF?! It never fails, as soon as I get to my mother's house I start sneezing like mad, my eyes start to water and burn, I get hives, and my throat feels like I swallowed sand paper. She's moved many times and it never matters. She has cats and dogs that have also varied over the years, but so do I so I don't think it's them. She either has vicious little mites that follow her everywhere or it's her. She claimed to have cleaned up a bit to try and save my reaction, but I think it must be hopeless. I am at my grandparent's house now and my symptoms have lessened a bit, but haven't completely gone away. My grandma wonders why I am sick every time I come to visit.

Aside from all that, Christmas has continued quite uneventfully. Today was just Skylar, my grandparents, and me, so things are pretty quiet. Skylar woke up at 4:45am and demanded everyone else to get up. He got lots of legos which have got to be the most irritating things; every time I get one part together, the other part falls apart. Due to patience and not having a hell of lot else to do I put together a plane, a soccer field, and a knight's castle. He also got G.I. Joe figures, video games, a robot, a book, and Floam (evil gooey gunk). Plus he has a couple more presents to open when we get home that were to big to travel with. I got a "warm-up" suit from my grandparents, and a pot holder, a paper poinsettia and a needle felting from Skylar.

Now my grandma is being her leave it to beaver self preparing a roast and all the fixins'. It's the only time I regret being a vegetarian; I hate the smell, but she always makes everything so cozy and has all the little niceties that make dinner seem special. I can't really explain it. It's the difference of being able to spend 2 hours on dinner compared to prep and eat time in less then 30 minutes as usual.

Tomorrow the rest of the picture perfect relatives come to gather and celebrate where I always lose count of how many times they ask when I am going to get married. They never appreciate my mail-order husband idea.